I've been looking back over my posts and found several drafts that never made it - mainly because they ranted severely and, because I'm a perfectionist, I didn't get to editing them before calming down. Tonight I've decided to give up on the edit and just get this off my chest.
It's 12.30am Sunday, I've just arrived home from an 8 hours shift stacking shelves at the supermarket and my feet ache. What greeted me was the usual - mess! Dishes haven't been stacked let alone washed. None of the kids toys have been picked up. It would seem Himself disregarded my new regime to keep on top of the kids mess by getting them to pick it up BEFORE it got out of hand. It would seem he doesn't give a toss that due to his complete selfishness in that his time out should not be interered with by anything that might be considered work, that I am the one who will suffer. I'm sorry but I don't get how he can tell me that he beleives I DO work hard and then leave even more work for me to do.
I currently work a total of 9 jobs.
1. Mother - unpaid and unappreciated - even himself thinks it's a doddle - well it would be if you parented like he does - cooks meals, takes Zoe to school twice a week (which I have to remind him about) and leaves everything else up to me.
2. Night fill at the local supermarket. Minimum wage, two set four hour night shifts although I pretty much average twelve hours a week with all the extra work they give me.
3. Barristers PA. Two day shifts of four hours each. My other stable source of income and the one I like the most - equal with #4.
4. Feature Writer for a local magazine - just one article a month but it takes around 8 hours all up, research, interview and writing. It does pay which is good.
5. Transcriptionist. This is on a contract basis - when there's work there's work. It's usually feast or famine though so when I get it my days are completely full. I've just got a second contract at a lesser rate - a client of my Transcription "Employer" who my "Employer" doesn't really make anything from so she's referred her to me. - I've counted that ast 6.
7. General Help. In between the PA position and picking up Zoe from school I help out at Logan's Kindy. It's only around an hour each week, sometimes not even that, and they contra the hours from his fees - every little bit helps.
8. Photocopying. I do 10,000 copies for a local businessman every fortnight.
9. Himself's business accounts - invoicing, quotes, paying bills, liasing with the accountant and the IRD. Sorting out any accounts issues. Entering account transactions etc. And I also do his marketing - ie create and produce his fliers for distribution (which I organise), logos, brochures etc. And of course I do any other general admin stuff that needs doing.
On top of that I TRY to keep the house tidy. Of course that's just plain impossible with two kids and Himself who can't seem to find the rubbish bin every time he empties a 2 litre bottle of milk - so he just leaves it on the table along with the onion ends and skin he cut off the onion whilst making himself (and the kids TBH) brunch - oh and this is counted as a meal so in actual fact he cooks more meals than me - even though 95% of the time he doesn't make me anything and 50% of the time he doesn't actually cook the kids anything. He's told me several times that the reason he doesn't tidy up is that he doesn't want his meal to go cold. And then of course he's too tired. Funny that - when I get home at 12.30 I'm tired too - and then of course I get woken at 2 because the old dog wants to go out and Himself didn't let her out before he went tobed. Then at 3 because the new pup wants to play. Then at 3.30 by one kid getting into bed with me, then at 4 by the next kid getting into bed with me and then finally at 5 by both kids who decide it's time to get up.
And he cannot understand why I cry.
Could it be that in spite of the fact that he drunkenly told me last week (he's nice when he's drunk) that he DID realise that I worked hard and that he never thought I was lazy, he keeps making more and more work for me and I can't keep up. Could it be that he gets narky at me when something isn't done but if I start to do that and have to leave something else he will get narky at me about the think I left to do the job he previously narked at me about. Could it be that he never goes out of his way to do nice things for me - not even little ones. Even tonight I've got an extra packet of crumpets because I know he likes them. It's me who buys the extra 2 litres bottles of milk so he can drink them each day (although that has an alterior motive because if I don't do it he will drink what's there anyway and leave only enough for the kids breakfast and coffee for him. He once told me that powdered milk is fine for his morning coffee and then got sulky when a few days later the milk had all been used and he had to have milk powder - apparently he only uses a "little bit" in his coffee and I should have been able to save it for him - funny - I only use a little bit of milk on my weetbix and yet you drunk it all last night leaving me with nothing.). Where was I - oh yes, doing things for others. Mothers Day came and went without acknowledgement from him. Christmas I didn't get a present at all in spite of the thoughtful and expensive (for us) present the kids and I got him. The only reason his family get presents is that I get embarrassed if we don't have anything for them and so I make sure we do.
I once suggested that he didn't think about me at all before doing things. He told me of course he did, which actually made it worse because instead of being forgotten in the heat of the moment he basicaly must have thought about it and then disregarded my feelings anyway.
I'm on the brink. I'm on the brink of going into that bedroom and telling him to piss off. To pack a bag and get away from us. But I can't. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the good parts of his personality that I can't quite see right now in my blind fury just sitting in my subconcious waiting for me to get over my anger.
I don't know what to do.
When we talked about me going back to work it was with the understanding that I'd have some help with the kids and around the house. But he doesn't lift a finger. He thinks looking after the kids is a doddle because he doesn't do anything with them that I have to do - organise school and kindy, wash their cloths, buy/make their clothes, wipe their bottoms, clean up their vomit and stay awake all night until their fever breaks even though I feel like crap myself. Make school/kindy lunches, take part in school/kindy activities. Make sure library books go back on time. Make sure that homework is completed. Tidy up after them and make them tidy up after themselves. But he doesn't see any of that - he closes his eyes and pretends it isn't there. Because if he did see it, if he stopped to really think about it he might realise that I do actually work as hard as he does. My job isn't as physical - not at all - but it's constant - and not just the kids because the part time roles creep in all over the place too - it just doesn't stop.
I'm going to publish this now before I lose my nerve. And then I'm going to try to figure out what to do. Thanks for listening.
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