This disease is crippling

I've always thought that Depression could be controlled with a bit of effort.  Thinking through things with care, accepting that the fear and anxiety is just the Depression, including good things in my life, things I love - all of these things help.  I've always been really good at self counselling and just getting through - well not always, ever since my I had a serious bout of counselling myself around 15 years ago.  This year I started medication - and it's something I wasn't proud of.  To me that was a failure - but it was something I couldn't avoid and something I needed to accept.  Sometimes T H E R A P Y isn't enough.

I'm ashamed to say that I have been guilty of rolling my eyes at some depression sufferers.  I scorned their need to up their medication to amazing heights - particularly when the lowest dose of the mildest medication worked immediately for me.  That's not to say that I didn't think medication was necessary but to listen to some people it was like they'd completely dismissed the possibility that a lower dosage or a milder medication would work before they even tried it and just wanted the full monty.  To be honest I'd have to say that I apply different rules to myself that to others - I feel for others (most of the time) while I'm kicking myself in the butt for the same thing.

Today I'm apologising for all those unvoiced opinions of judgement because today I have realised what it means to be debilitated by this disease.

I had my normal dosage last night and doubled it this morning because I didn't want to get out of bed - I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to do that - but I was desperate.  I've been up for hours and achieved nothing and still I want to curl into a ball somewhere and not move.  Making sure my kids are safe, fed and watered is the only thing I can handle and even that feels like the hardest thing in the world.  They're still in pjs at 11.30  and they're pigging out on oreo cookies and unbuttered bread, but I'm actually not punishing myself for that for once.  At least they're not asking me for things - that's when I get grumpy and it's not their fault.

I still don't want to increase my medication dosage - not until I'm certain I can't get through this bad patch with a bit of self care - the problem is that I have no time for self care and the biggest worry in my head is letting others down.  I keep taking on things that are too challenging - maybe in another lifetime but at the moment I need to live simply and peacefully.  Worrying over those things I've taken on which I should have left alone cripples me from completing the things I know I can do - I just can't face anything.

I just dealt with something and amazingly I feel a bit better.  Something as simple as registering our overdue dogs.  Council called while I was typing this and while she was on the phone I pulled the form, checked the details and signed it.  When she hung up I reached for the cheque book, signed and completed the cheque, enveloped and stamped it and I've just walked to the letterbox for collection.  Seems silly writing this but it was HUGE to do it - and it's a beginning.  I've got a list I wrote this morning of things that I have to do to avoid letting people down.  I'm going to put away a non urgent project that I've been leading my self saboutage with (that's when I ignore everything I have to do and work away at something I don't plaguing myself with guilt) and pick up something I need to do.  Then I'm going to sit in the sunshine with a cup of coffee and do it.

Sorry for the self pity.

Me xxx