Is This A Change?

Ever since Dad came to live with us I've wondered from day to day if his dementia was progressing. It's hard when you live with someone to see the changes that can be obvious to others. I've taken to asking his visitors after the fact if they noticed any significant changes and so far the answers have all been very positive. Today however "I" noticed a change.

The Dad initiated conversation is basically the same every day "What day is it?" "How long have I been here?" "S [his ex-partner] has gone hasn't she?". Occasionally it varies to how it all happened to him and what happened to the house (which is always the house he owned about four houses back and which he and S sold years before any of this happened) but it's all scripted. So much so that I can now mimic him, voice intonations, facial expressions, the lot - not that I do.

Today something different happened. I was explaining how I'd spilt my coffee at work as I was wiping down my bag which I'd just discovered had coffee splashes on it. Dad said "You don't drink coffee do you?" Then when I answered yes you could see it dawn on him as he said that he must have been thinking about my mum, which is very likely. It's only small and it had sparked from my conversation but I've drunk hundreds of coffee with him over the past 8 months and it has never come up before. He's even made me a coffee without it coming up.

Further to that, this evening, while still presenting his calm demeanour that tells me that he's very relaxed about living with us (even though he is shocked every time you tell him that he's been here more than a week), he had to think hard to come up with that he used to live with S and that mum had died a long time back. It could just be the time of day, it could just be a glitch and things will go back to normal tomorrow, but I thought I'd document it to refer back to.

My Name Is JJ. I Am A Hoarder.

I'm certain it's been alluded to in previous posts but actually acknowledging it is supposed to be empowering - My name is JJ and I am a hoarder.

Many a discussion has been had with family and friends about the justification behind hoarding, albeit most of them directly regarding the hoard and not the emotional or mental reasoning. I don't claim to know why I hoard I just know that living in a hoarding environment is unhealthy and I want out - I'm just not extracting myself very quickly!

I'm NOT a candidate for an 'if-you-don't-clean-out-this-hoard-we-may-have-to-condemn-your-home' TV show (although I strongly recall a scary moment a few years back when coming down the stairs I realised that "stuff" was piling up around the edges of the room I could see in a TV Show Hoarder fashion) but I have been on the right track to that kind of fame.

I have good intentions "This will be my year (2010)" and "THIS will be my year (2011)" and "I'm sure THIS will be my year (2012)" etc. But inevitably "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry." I've recognised that "going big" isn't an option. Working by myself is time-consuming and I don't have a lot of that. I took an extended weekend a couple of months back, dedicated to cleaning the junk out of the house and into the shed. From there I was going to sort the shed. I made a dent but as I sit here typing this I look around my bedroom and see at least half a dozen banana boxes and several bags of "stuff" and items littered across the floor (I CAN see carpet - I just couldn't walk over it with my eyes closed and miss coming into contact with an item that shouldn't be there).

The shed is actually - as much as I'd like to say relatively organised that would be a lie but I invested in a few storage containers and while SOME of them contain a mixture of items that may or may not be useful at least they are stowed away in stacks of relative tidiness.

Perhaps I need help. It has been offered by well-meaning friends who I am very grateful to for their offer. But the thought of having someone "guide" me to a choice I don't really want to make scares me as well. It's at this point where I have flashbacks to those hoarder TV shows and the rage that the hoarder feels when a family member or the therapist "encourages" them to let go of something. Even if it's something they have 20 copies of and won't even use. I suddenly sympathise.

So what do I do?

I trudge on. Bit by bit. Burst of action by burst of action. Currently, I'm being helped by my family to a degree. My partner has actually been helping out with the housework. He's made suggestions of where to put furniture and moved things around to suit. I've taken a deep breath and considered the changes and most of them I've liked. "This room is now easier to vacuum," he's said. And it is - so I leave it to him to vacuum while I'm focusing my attention on running around after work, the kid's sports, my Dad's hospital appointments and the basic stuff like cooking, dishes and laundry. 

I've managed to develop less of an attachment with the kids' toys as well and am almost disappointed when going through a box of toys they can't even remember owning if they decide they still want to keep items I think they've outgrown.

I've learned that the time-consuming process of selling things is actually detrimental to my process and most of the stuff that isn't being thrown out now goes to Op Shops. I've learned also that I need to get the "Op Shop boxes" out of my house and out of my car boot very quickly so they don't integrate back into the household mess.

The other day I jumped another hurdle - the one where I hang onto a part of something because I know the other bits to it are somewhere in amongst the junk and if I wait I'll find it all. Inevitably the bit I found will get lost amongst another pile of junk and it's a game of tag where one piece will tag another and run. I threw out two of the kids' games last week. I've since found more pieces but I have no idea if I'd ever find the full games. I made a judgement call on a third game - I actually think I probably DID have all the pieces but I've seen this game in at least one Op Shop every second visit - they didn't need another.

I think my biggest hurdle this week though was giving up a huge work-in-progress project. I've been working on this project for about five years but I haven't touched it (except to move it while rearranging) in at least 18 months. It took up possibly about three banana boxes worth of materials. I laid this information at my own feet a couple of days ago and made the decision that I didn't even LIKE working on this project anymore. That the only reason I was keeping it was that I didn't want to admit defeat. Even to myself. The content of two banana boxes is currently waiting for the bonfire and the content of another has gone to the op shop. There is probably more in boxes in the shed but now that I've let go of the bones of the project the rest of the material will be easily let go of. The thing is I don't feel upset by it. In fact, I think I felt relief that I'd managed to tick something off my To Do List. Maybe that's what my To Do list needs - another checkbox labelled "Let It Go".

Welcome Home Destiny's Kelilah!

She's here!  My newest family addition arrived yesterday at 1.45 pm - right on schedule.  Thank you Kerry of Majestic transport for taking good care of her.  That's right, my latest family member whilst still a baby is not of the human persuasion - she's a 5 month old Clydie Cross filly weanling - Keli.

Keli was born on 4 October 2014 at Destiny Sporthorses in Mangaweka.  Her sire is Nukumaru Laddie and her dam is Craighaven Bella.  She is an absolute angel.  I've been meaning to blog her progress but here she is already and this is my first post!  Typical of my ability to keep up with anything LOL.  So I'll attempt to do some back story in each post as I continue to blog about her progress - one of those mixed up timelines that my partner cannot stand in movie plots.

Speaking of Marty, he's not impressed and is feigning a "no interest" stance BUT he's not grumbling so that's a better reaction than I anticipated.  Zoe of course is as much in love as I am - she spent a good portion of yesterday afternoon in the paddock talking to Keli and taking photos.  I'm having trouble wresting personal ownership of our newcomer with Zoe determined that she is "ours" not "mine".  Oh well I guess that means I can still ride Aslan occasionally (I "gifted" him to Zoe when I knew Keli was coming).

Keli's arrival didn't go down too well with Aslan either.  She called out to him and Tress the minute she got off the truck and spotted them and she was very keen to meet them.  With a post and rail fence between them I knew she was safe but I hadn't expected Azi to be so territorial, After an intial telling off by Azi over the fence when Keli very loudly chattered her teeth (baby talk) to him he has so far absolutely refused to let Tress near her, shadowing Tressie's every move around the paddock and keeping her well away from the fence.  Keli is in a huge paddock but hasn't left the bottom quarter that borders the big kids paddock and hangs out quite a bit by the gate - until Azi rushes at her from the other side of the gate, chasing her off.

But in the dark last night I did see him hanging his head over the fence towards her and she wasn't rushing off so he must have been being nice to her.  This morning he chased her away again but hopefully a couple of days will do the trick.  I was thinking of putting Tress in with Keli to start with because she's so placid and they'll probably get along but with Azi acting like Tress is his property maybe I'd better put him in first so as not to put his nose out of joint.

A Woolly Dilemma

We're told that competition is healthy.
- We're shown that to be PC these days everybody has to have a prize.
We're told that if we do our best we will succeed.
- We're shown that even if we don't do our best we get a reward for trying.

It's a confusing world we're growing up in!

In some ways it's nice.  Our school's junior touch rugby team awards the Player of the Day to someone who tries hard and shows some effort rather than the same skilled players each week (one of whom is my 7 year old daughter who can't understand why she doesn't get Player of the Day consistently in spite of trying her hardest and doing really well).  At this age I agree that it's really important to encourage the less skilled and experienced (one of whom is my son) to continue to enjoy playing.  If they don't get rewarded for their efforts you'll end up with not enough numbers to make the team.  Our solution: more rewards each week.

But here's where my opinion gets sticky.  Whilst I agree with rewarding efforts I don't agree with everyone getting a prize from each layer of pass the parcel!  Yes, I know, complete contradiction but perhaps that's because there's no skill involved in being the person holding the parcel when the music stops. Sure nobody wants kids to go home crying because they didn't win a prize at their best mates birthday party but seriously when do we start teaching kids that growing up means accepting that you don't always win?

And then there is the adult component of child based competition.  The part where we so desperately want our own children to win that we form complete bias against other children.

Z went to Group Day for the Agricultural Society the other day.  After last year I had decided early on that we wouldn't be going, wins or no wins at the school day.  But numbers were down for the school and other mums offered to transport Z and her lamb.  With an already short working week due to a public holiday and study leave I was grateful not to have been going.  But what I really wanted to avoid was a full day of disappointment (both mine and Z's) as our school kids missed out on deserved rewards time and time again.  Last year I put this down to the numbers of lambs in each class making competition very close.  Z's lamb last year was joined at her hip - he still thinks he's a dog and she only has to appear in the paddock for him to bound over to her.  Their performance in "Calling" at Group Day was nothing short of perfect (and I would have said the same had I not known Z from a bar of soap).  Z didn't even place.  In fact of the good dozen of our school kids there, only one ribbon was won.

The evening before Group Day 2013 I was talking to our neighbour, a long-term local of our district and a born and bred farmer.  He told me that it was only ever X school that cleaned up at Group Day.  Apparently, the Ag Society is loaded with families from X school and inevitably it was their children/grandchildren that won all the prizes.  Sure enough, in a conversation after the this year's event with the helpful Mum in charge of Z I was told "Oh X School won all the prizes."  I have no doubt that many were deserved but having been told how Z's lamb had done a perfect transition up the ramp and how our mums there were sure she would get placed I started to think about what I'd been told the evening before.  Further conversation brought up occurrences of judges completely overlooking our school entries - not even pausing to look at them.  Their minds already made up.

Z handled her disappointment well and luckily for the attending mums a highly commended in the "team" turnout meant she did bring home a ribbon.  Z knew before she went though that the competition was fierce so that lesson I was on about earlier is being learned.  She's also learning another lesson - that it's not what you know or how hard you try but WHO you know and how fair they are.

Our school rallied around to get attendance at the Group Day because we were told that if we didn't participate we could eventually lose a long-standing traditional event.  To be completely honest I don't see the point in that long-standing traditional event continuing if it's loaded towards one section of our community.  I don't see the point in attending a Group Day that is so obviously a second Prize day keyed towards X school.  I'd say the "traditional event" is already dead in the water.

L & Z with their beloved lambs at local school Ag Day 2013

I LOVE RECYCLING

One of my goals this year is to clear the WIP backload.  I think that includes the masses of things I need to fix (or discard) and today I started to work on just that.

A couple of rag bag discards (with a little snip here and there to remove a particularly pretty embroidered piece), a few items pinned in preparation for a day with the sewing machine and things are already looking good.  But the best thing for me has been the recycling of clothing. 

Most of what we (the kids and I) wear these days are op shop bargains and I'm always pleased with the cute clothes that other people donate.  Today I added a bit of felt patches to a pair of stockings I'd previously upcycled to leggings - stretches their life out even longer.

This pair just need the cuffs prettified to complete them.

And the one I'm really pleased with, and which Zoe LOVES - The Skirt.  That unfortunately had three wear tears in it that I hadn't noticed in the Op Shop (It's destined to be transformed into a cool cap in it's next life).

The best part was that the embellishments all came out of stash!

43 Things To Do Before I Turn 43

(yeah I checked I'm only 42 - whew!)
(if anyone reads this blog you may want to miss reading this post - lengthy and a bit boring really!)

Well it's a day late but nonetheless I am now accountable to this blog for the items on my list.
1. Finish AT LEAST one knitted item OTHER THAN gloves or a hat for myself - ie something significant like a shawl or a jumper.

2. Get our debt down to a level that isn't scary and can be easily accomodated by our income so that I'm not having to work day and night.

3. Declutter Kids Outgrown Clothing.

4. Declutter all unecesary baby things

5. Reduce some of the big outdoor toys.

Eliminate the Craft Clutter
6. Declutter Fabrics

7. Declutter Yarns

8. Declutter other craft materials
9. Declutter WIP projects.

10. Reorganise the office

11. Paperwork Declutter

12. Kids Art storage - scan, print and file.

13. Establish a Routine

14. Ride My Horses

15. Establish a productive all year round vege garden.

16. Write - keep a journal with entries at least once a week outlining possible stories/articles. 

17. Publish at least 4 items.

18. Investigate and start a journalism course.

19. Put yourself out there - a hard one to measure outcomes but essentially it's about stepping out of my comfort zone - ie starting up a conversation with someone I don't know.  I need to do this in every situation I come across, it's the only way I can improve my interview skills.

20. Create more patterns for my Felt shop - will contribute greatly to the decluttering of my craft studio if I use up materials to create the patterns.

21. Create actual items to sell in my Felt shop.  I have SO many ideas for this, and fabrics collected for that purpose but I need to forge ahead with it.

22.  Do something different with my kids once a week - anything at all, reading to them by the pond, hopscotch on the deck.  This is on top of the normal homework, bedtime reading, baking etc - and it HAS to be completely with them and not while I'm doing anything else.

23. Decorate Logan's Room

24. Get Zoe back up to her own room by making it a place she feels happy in.

25.  Lose weight and get fit.

26. Decorate the lounge (ie paint the drawn on walls, add cushions, lampshades, curtains etc.

27. Photograph Project.  This one sort of comes under the de-clutter side of things

28. Video Project

29.Establish an accounts routine.

30. Make half a dozen summery skorts for Zoe for school

31. Make half a dozen Kindy pants for Logan for winter 2012.

32. Knit summer tops for Zoes Christmas Present.

33. Knit/sew Christmas presents for Kindy teachers.

34. Pinterest - Love this website and am currently working on moving all of my bookmarked pages onto it.  Nothing better than to be able to store things off the limited computer space.

35. Decorate our bedroom

36. Knit something substantial for Himself

37. Knit socks for Logan for Winter

38. Knit a pair of socks for Himself

39. Decorate the playroom including a crocheted rag rug.

40. Knitting for G&S's new baby

41. Knit/sew Christmas presents for school.

42. 24 Days of Christmas Ornaments

43. Complete one Instant Gratification Projects from Ravelry a month.

Time to make a list

I was just reading a post I follow regarding her list of "31 things to do before she turns 31" and it's inspired me to give this a go.  My birthday is next month so have time to prep a list which I'll publish on the day but it's a good opportunity to get everything tidied away - something I've been attempting to do for years.  The only problem is that I can no longer remember how old I actually am - it's either 41 or 42?  Of f to work it out - and get back to work - have about 9 hours to fit into 12.5 hours not including picking kids up from school, cooking dinner and getting ready to go to one of my jobs - life's a juggle!!